The funny thing about washing the dishes late at night is that the sound of plates clinging is pushing a memory of reminder that you just commit another major mistake, the same mistake for the third time.
As a family with just me and my sister, I was always the disappointment, the black sheep, the bad omen and the worst kid. I know, because that’s what I always felt, that I was to be ashamed of. I think I just needed a time to cry by myself. I don’t know what happened to that little girl who used to look up at the sky and be instantly inspired by the cloud formation or the stars constellation. I wonder if she’s still here because every single time I find myself look up recently, I can only see blank canvas and whenever I find something to be happy about, I know something bad is coming my way. I’m a pessimist.
Sometimes, I feel like I don’t even deserve to be happy. I was finding my place to grow while losing my very self. I don’t know where I am anymore, who I am? I really needed help. But I think for now, I needed to be punished. Sometimes I caught myself wishing I’ll catch a major accident and die because all the nagging my sister and mom has planted on me was making me feel numb. I can’t feel any more like I don’t even care. I talked about how come a certain person would commit suicide while my mind gives it a shot sometimes. Honestly, I’ve been thinking about putting a blade on my wrist and just feel the blood flow. I think it’s a great idea for you to just to prove yourself that you’re still living and that you still can feel pain. Sometimes feeling it all physically makes it bearable.
Have you ever felt an agony like burning your soul to hell? It’s like when you see a stream of blood flowing in front of you and your skin penetrating a slice on your skin you just scrape. It’s like saving yourself from flames. Your enemy is inevitable because you’re fighting with your own self.
As the dishes are carefully, one by one, put into places. You’ve made a decision you should’ve took action a long time ago. You get tired about doing it all over again. You wanted change. You wanted to pull yourself up to that hole you’ve never thought you live your whole life. You wanted to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You wanted to renew yourself. Seeing things on the brighter side, to the lighter shade, thinking it’s another plan of GOD, that HE still loves you.
It is another adventure to take, you may tumble and fall but keep in mind that only a true explorer can successfully survive. Be fully equipped with ropes and hooks because this is got to be tough. When you trip no matter how deep you’re on know you can get through because you’ve been there, you know what to do. Learn your lessons. Remember no matter what you do, no matter if you did it on purpose or not there are people who cares and love you no matter how big of a failure you are. And, one thing, you are hurting them without you knowing you have that capability to do so. I hope you realize they just want to bring the best out of you. And they can’t help but believe in you. Not that they don’t have a choice but because you are from them, you’re a piece of them. A piece of something they treasure.
Become mature and never mind if people around you aren’t. You need to head on. You can’t stay stuck forever. You need to grow up as you take on responsibilities. You’re 18 (and gorgeous). There’s no one that can change things for you but only YOU. This is the start of history Jhude.
A just-got-up-morning photo that will remind me that there are mornings where your hair is not a mess that everything ,in God’s time, will fall into their right places.
Let’s win this!!
🙂
